


Saga of the Vibrating Dildo

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Dildos, Hospitals, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, dildo humor, stuck up the ass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-15
Updated: 2014-09-15
Packaged: 2018-02-17 11:11:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2307521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Jean proves himself to be a needy fucking idiot, and as a result, gets a dildo stuck up his ass for a very long time.</p>
<p>This is embarrassing, to say the least.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Saga of the Vibrating Dildo

**Author's Note:**

> I HAVE NO EXCUSE FOR THIS I'M. SO SORRY.
> 
> The closest thing to an excuse I have is [this fucking post](http://radglare-toreadork.tumblr.com/post/97166602217) because fuCK. THat is the major inspiration for this story.
> 
> It still doesn't excuse 3,000 plus fanfic of dildo stuck up the ass.

"Marco."

"Yeah?"

"Marco, you need to get home now."

The freckled man, apparently Marco, brushed his hair out of his eyes, frowning as he glanced down the aisles of the grocery store. "Why, Jean? I'm at the store still," he added, as if this would make it all the more obvious why he simply couldn't come back. "What's that noise, anyway?"

He adjusted his phone to hold in one hand as he examined the ice cream, considering exactly what he should buy. There was a dull, constant buzz in the background of the call, which was quite annoying, really.

"I have a dildo stuck up my ass."

The tub of Rocky Road dropped from Marco's hand, thumping to the floor, not that he seemed to realize. "You what."

“I have a vibrating dildo crammed up the inside of my anal cavity- Eren, this isn’t funny!”

A loud laugh broke through the line, over the buzz, and Marco could almost hear the tears in Jean’s voice. “Please, Marco, just come back, quickly…”

“All right, all right!” Marco said, caving in. The ice cream was tossed haphazardly in the cart, and he began pushing it towards the exit. There wasn’t much left, anyway. “Just… how did you even get into this situation?”

There was a long, silent pause, with only the low buzz and Eren’s giggling. “What do you think? You were taking too long to get back home.”

Marco groaned, rubbing a hand over his face. “Jean, it’s only been a few hours, and we needed groceries. I told you to wait-”

“I’m sorry, okay!?” There was desperation and fear edging into his voice, that same tone he had taken as Eren started laughing. "I just couldn't take it, and so I thought, 'Oh hell with it, a little masturbation couldn't hurt,' and now I have a vibrating dick model stuck in my ass, and it _does_ hurt!"

"Okay, okay, stay calm. I'll take you to the hospital when I get home. How long?" Marco asked, giving an apologetic glance at the cashier. "An hour."

Marco froze as he fumbled with his credit card, trying to squint and stare at his phone. "An _hour?_ " He repeated, incredulous, turning to gaze at his watch. 6:04, which meant that Jean had been stuck with his ass blocked up since around five. No wonder he sounded so desperate. He probably hit orgasm before even realizing that it was crammed in too tightly to be removed. His only response to the question was a low whimper, before Jean pressed on. "Look, man, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't think-"

As much as "I didn't think" could sum up a lot of the things Jean did, Marco couldn't feel even the slightest bit angry. The fact that Jean was apologizing and on the verge of tears about it said enough about the severity of the situation. "Hey, hey, it's fine," he soothed, pushing his cart out to the parking lot. The old minivan was thankfully close to the entrance, and he rubbed his face with a hand before pinching the bridge of his nose. "Just give me a few minutes to get home, okay? Then I'll take you to the hospital."

There was a pause, and then a faint affirmative, before the phone on the other end of the line clicked off. As much as Jean desperately seemed to want reassurance and comfort, he knew far better than to try and stay on call while Marco was driving.

It was a fifteen minute drive to the Jaegar Program, as their house was affectionately known as. Marco kept just above the speed limit, for once, knowing how urgent the situation was. As soon as he pulled up, he grabbed all five of the bags, slinging them over his shoulders. To his immense distaste, Eren had already parked his own car smack dab in the center of the garage, making what should have comfortably held two cars only capable of holding one.

Which meant another thing.

"You could have taken Jean to the hospital yourself," he said, usually soft chocolate eyes blazing at Eren as he entered. The shorter brunette burst into laughter, wiping tears from his eyes. "Hey, he should've called you first, instead of going to- oof!"

"Next time, don't further his discomfort or humiliation just so you can laugh about it. I'd have found out, soon enough, without you making him call me," Marco murmured as he shoved the bags at Eren, voice still soft but with an edge. Eren's eyes widened as he floundered with the load, before racing to the kitchen to put everything away. Better that than face Marco's wrath.  
He turned now to where Jean was standing, leaning against the kitchen counter, shoulders bunched up and hands shoved in his pockets. He couldn't seem to meet Marco's eyes, and there was still a low buzz coming from his trousers. "Still going?"

Jean nodded, hesitantly. "Yeah. I asked Energizer how long they batteries lasted in vibrating dildos. Still no answer. Tch."

There was only a weak attempt at a smile from him, and Marco shook his head. "Come on. Let's get you to the hospital. Maybe they'll be able to get it out."

Perhaps maybe was the wrong word, but Jean didn't seem to catch on it. "Can I change first?"

It was only then that Marco noticed that the hoodie he was wearing read "BIG BOTTOM BITCH" in blocky gold, pink, and blue lettering. Ah yes, the hoodie that matched the t-shirt. Still, he frowned, tilting his head at Jean. "That depends. Do you want to change while I help Eren with the groceries, or do you want to get to the hospital asap?"

He expected some measure of resistance or hesitance from Jean as he tried to decide. Instead, Jean flew like a bullet towards Marco, burying his face against Marco's shoulder. "I want it out," he mumbled, and Marco reached up to gently stroke the ash colored part of his hair. "Yeah, we'll get it out soon, Jean. Come on."

It felt like an eternity in the minivan, with dead silence only pierced by that wretched buzzing. "I meant to call Armin," Jean confessed after a moment, his head sinking into his hands. "Didn't mean to call Eren."

"And shame on you," Marco said, lightly, trying to focus on the road and not on Jean's misery. "You know they're the queerplatonic soul bros on some weird level not understood by anyone but them. It's understandable that you call one, you get the other, and with your sensitive case, unsurprising that you get the worst."

"I know, I know," Jean answered, in that same gut wrenchingly sad voice he had used before. "And I know Armin would've made me call you, too, but at least Armin would've taken me to the hospital instead of just laughing at my misery...."

At this, Marco switched to driving with one hand, using the other to gently massage between Jean's shoulder blades. "Yeah. That was a bad call, and a jerk move on Eren's part. I wonder how much he would have liked it, if I did the same to him when he got in a bad or embarrassing situation."

Jean snorted derisively, and it went into dead quiet again, Marco withdrawing to focus on driving. "...You don't hate me for this, do you? You aren't going to punish me for this, or yell, or..."  
Marco's eyes flickered off the road to look at Jean. "First of all, this is punishment in and of itself. I don't think even you'd be stupid enough to do this twice. Second, if it's the masturbation you're talking about, fuck no. I'm not mad at you for not waiting. If I did get angry enough to hurt you, that would be a sign of an abusive relationship." Seeing Jean was about to speak, he pressed further. "I know some people would get off to that. But I'm not one of them, and they have an agreement with their partner beforehand. They know it's okay, and they know when to stop. I like seeing you pleasured, not pained. Besides, like I said. This whole trip is punishment in and of itself. I don't think you need to suffer any more than needed."

There was a quiet whine in answer, and it was back to silence, and the buzz.

\--

They arrived at the hospital five minutes later, and Marco all but dragged Jean in. Apparently his boyfriend had only just realized that going into the hospital would require telling other people about his little predicament. "Go on," he encouraged, pushing Jean towards the receptionist, praying that he would ignore the staring of the people around him who were trying to figure out what the noise was from. For once, his prayers were answered, and Jean actually made it to the desk, folding his arms on top of it when he arrived. "There is no better way to put this," he began at the lady's questioning glance. "I have a vibrating dildo stuck up my ass."

\--

They waited in the ER for several hours. Sometimes a nurse would come by to check on them, to make sure that the situation hadn't worsened. It hadn't embedded itself any further, had it? Don't worry, you aren't the first patient with this problem, and you won't be the last. Perhaps next time you should tie a string around the end, something for easy removal? Marco didn't have the heart or the guts to tell her that from the look on Jean's face, he would only ever use his fingers from now on. Still, for the situation, she was incredibly sweet, and Marco caught his boyfriend blushing a few times. After a while, Jean pulled out his phone, doubtlessly trying to distract himself from the constant buzz and discomfort in his ass. Marco did the same, finding his earbuds gone and stealing Jean's from his jeans pocket. Jean scowled, but allowed Marco to untangle them and put them in, deciding to watch a few older videos on YouTube.

At around nine, the nurse came by again, smiling cheerfully. "Good news," she informed them, and Marco paused the video to listen. Was it just him, or was the buzzing louder? "You're not the only one here tonight with a dildo lodged in their anus!"

Both their heads snapped up at the same time, glancing across the emergency room to another couple directly across from them. "Bertholdt?" Marco mouthed, staring with wide eyes at the tall, shaggy haired man. "Reiner?" Jean called, hazel eyes wide at the other broad, muscular man with short yellow hair. Across from them, Reiner grinned, waving his hand, and Bertholdt froze, before burying his face in his hands, green eyes occasionally peeking through his fingers only to disappear again in embarrassment. "You too?" Reiner asked, and Jean nodded emphatically. "Yeah. Been here a few hours."

Their neighbor shuddered, shaking his head sympathetically. "Aw, man. Hope they see you in soon. I can last a few more hours myself-"

"Reiner!" Bertl cut in, horrified, his face blushing so red that anyone would think he was the one with the slight predicament, and his boyfriend gave a booming laugh. "It's all right. I brought this on myself."

"What... what did you do?" Marco asked, trailing off at the end of his question. For once, Reiner seemed almost sheepish. "Made a bet with Annie. Told her I could fit an entire dildo in my rear without a problem."

"Only there was a problem."

Reiner shrugged, before continuing. "Nah. But from there it spiraled into a ' see how much he can fit before it does get stuck' contest. Ymir pulled out what must've been some Bad Dragon level shit. That thing was massive. That's when it got stuck. What was it, horsecock or something, Bertl?"

The tall man didn't reply, too busy sweating up a storm, and Marco giggled. "Good thing to know you can only take six inches, eh?" He asked, giving Jean a playful tap on the shoulder. His face turned beet red to his ears, and he tried to pull up the hood of the big bitch jacket over his head while Reiner guffawed. "Six inches, you say? Ha! Not a bad find, Marco. Bertl's bigger, though. We call it the colossal titan."

Bertholdt's sputtering and sweating was interrupted by the nurse, finally calling Jean in to the doctor's. After a moment of checking to ensure it was all right, Marco followed, intent on providing emotional support. After almost five hours in this predicament, his boyfriend would probably need it.

\--

The doctor ran a few minutes late, enough for Marco to continue checking his phone out. At some point, he stopped, paused, and nodded to himself, before tapping a button and continuing as before. "Hey, Jean," he asked, hardly looking up from his screen, "your Twitter password is still dickbutt69, right?"

"Ha? Yeah," Jean replied, also looking at his phone, not even paying attention to what Marco was doing. "Why?"

"No reason."

Beside him, Marco scrolled through Jean's Twitter, looking at the updates. The nurse, the receptionist, Reiner and Bertholdt, the dildo, and how even after five hours it was still going, all shared with all of his Twitter followers. And now, one more.

"Wh- you're fucking- Marco!" Jean cried, giving Marco an incredibly betrayed look as he noticed the "exclusive dildo audio track" just uploaded on Vine and Twitter. Before he had time to properly chew him out for this, the doctor entered, and all he could do was fume silently. Freckles shrugged, his eyes seeming to hold an answer. _Do it for the vine, Jean._

There was a very subtle middle finger as the doctor began examining him, asking questions, telling him to lie back while he listened to his heart. "...What is that noise?"

"I-it's still on, sir," Jean stuttered out, horrified. "...Oh. I see."

\--  
It took three more tries, three repeats of this for a conclusion to be reached. An x-ray needed to be taken, to see how far up the dildo had gone. Just in case it wedged and pressed up too far, they said.

Marco held the phones as Jean staggered off, looking weary with every backwards glance he gave at his boyfriend. _Please don't leave me alone_ , he seemed to be pleading. _Please come with me._

Unfortunately, Marco could only shrug, and wait where he was until they returned. He was pretty certain he wasn't allowed anywhere near the x-ray machines, especially not while holding the phones.

They returned a few minutes later, Jean coming to rest his head against Marco's shoulder. He still looked quite exhausted, and even though Marco knew he could stay up far longer on any ordinary night, this was an exceptional ordeal for him. He was only used to one round before at least taking a nap. This had now been just over six hours of constant anal vibrations. Marco ruffled his hair, making an attempt at comfort, before the doctor called them back to look at the images.

"Hey. Marco. Earth to freckles. Can I have my phone back."

Marco handed the device back without question as Jean managed to snap a photo of the x-ray machine. It was probably for the Twitter thing again, which was probably why he paid more attention to his phone than the images.

That, and when Marco did catch his eyes flicking up towards the screen, his ears turned red and he seemed to shrink into himself just a bit further.

"...Lodged pretty far up... how did you manage... completely treatable, but..."

The doctor's words seemed to drift through one ear and out the other, and Marco wondered how he could ramble on for so long when other patients were probably in dire need. "We'll have to sedate you in order to remove it."

In any other circumstances, Jean would have fought. Sedate him? Some sort of surgery? He'd have flipped shit. The fact that he meekly nodded instead was a sign of true desperation and hopelessness, and Marco began rubbing his back again as consolation. Was he supposed to be able to feel vibrating? "All right. Just give us a moment to set up."

\--

The nurse had just administered the sedative when suddenly, Marco was aware of a blissful quiet throughout the room. No annoying buzz, no vibrations, nothing. Simply, peace.

Beside him, Jean's eyes widened, and Marco could see it, clear on his face, that there was a reason it had stopped. "The battery finally ran out," he whispered, voice hoarse. "Nearly midnight, seven hours of trauma, I'm sedated, and it finally... fucking..."

He fell into incoherence around this point, and when the nurse came back, he was totally out of it. _A good thing_ , Marco thought privately. _If he wasn't asleep, he'd flip shit about me not being able to come along._

He stayed in his chair, fiddling with the phone, adding in a few important updates to Jean's Twitter, going back to watching videos. Ah yes, "Jean's denial", always a fun thing to rewatch and smile about. He would just watch this and wait.

\--

The instant the dildo was extracted, Jean shit himself. "If you tell a single fucking soul," he murmured in horror after his lower half was cleaned off and his pants were restored, looking utterly mortified in spite of his anger. Marco blinked, grabbed his shoulders, and looked him dead in the eye.

"It's okay, Jean. I won't sell you out in front of hundreds of thousands of people that you shit yourself and smeared it all over my wall."

Still half sedated and clearly exhausted, it took a moment for Jean to catch the reference. "I swear to God, Marco. Not a good time."

"You couldn't hurt me right now if you tried- whoa, there, cowboy," Marco said, lunging forward to catch Jean after a poorly timed punch sent him reeling. The smaller man was brought close against his chest, and within a few seconds, he had relaxed and buried his face against Marco until only his undercut could be seen. "'M tired," he whined, voice muffled by Marco's jacket. "Wanna go home."

Marco began rocking his boyfriend, hands massaging over his back and shoulders, pressing a few kisses against his ear. "I know, I know," he murmured, soothingly, lifting his fingers to comb through the knotted and sweaty lighter portions of his hair, before turning his questioning gaze to the nurse, that wonderful, helpful, serene nurse, who probably wasn't paid enough for this shit. "He's free to go," she told him, in answer to the silent question. "We have no reason to keep him overnight, if you can drive him home. No reason to monitor him, after all. If he didn't have a ride home, we'd have him stay, because of the sedatives, but..."

"I can take him," Marco assured her, giving her a few brief words of thanks for her help, before bending down to grab under Jean's knees. There wasn't a single word of protest over being carried bridal style in public, though he did grumble when his face was pulled away from Marco's chest. He was soon appeased with burying his face against Marco's shoulder, instead, groaning slightly as he shifted. "No sex for a few days, I think."

The groaning grew louder, more pitiful, and Marco rolled his eyes. "You just get a dildo pulled out from your ass, and your first concern is 'when am I going to have sex again'?"

"It's not like you do anything to my ass," Jean muttered darkly. "Which is probably why you got a dildo stuck when you put it in."

There was more sputtering, followed by a yelp as Marco dropped his legs to open the passenger side car door. "Whatever. We'll see in the morning, okay? For now, let's just get you home. If you don't just pass out in the car."

To his credit, Jean didn't fall asleep, managing to stay awake at every brief red light for Marco to ruffle and stroke his hair, and managing to stay awake as Marco carried him back inside. Eren still hadn't bothered to move his car.

"Well, I think you've learned a valuable lesson," Marco whispered to Jean as they entered the quiet for once house. Jean blinked wearily up at Marco, questioning. "Be patient and wait for me to get home. You wouldn't have gotten into this predicament if you weren't so needy."

"...Shut up."

**Author's Note:**

> "The Colossal Titan"
> 
> Also I consulted Ponyboy for Jean's twitter password so thank her for that.
> 
> The "Jean's Denial" video will be explained later, probably.
> 
> As for the end, they are referencing a certain video. Bonus points if you know what it is.


End file.
